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| It is funny, the way I used to be in a relationship is so different from the way I am now. Is it because I am more mature and ready to settle down? Probably. I was that girl who would go out with friends at all hours of the night with male and female friends. You go out at 9pm for dinner, 11 pm for bubble tea, 1 am for bubbles, and 3 am for a game of pool. All of course with different people. I understand the lifestyle, I mean how could I have not? I basically lived it. Is it now that I am older that I have become more of a prude and no longer understand it. No, not really but reality is that I am getting older and the people around me are as well. Those late night excursions are just not how I work anymore. People used to wonder how I used to do it all because I would go out no matter how late or how busy. I look back now, it was fun times. When I see other people living this life, I understand it but I also understand why people used to make fun that I had a “night” job. But it was my only chance to catch up with a lot of friends. No one can tell me I don’t understand the lifestyle. But you don’t stay young forever and priorities change. | | |
| Relationships are hard. The honeymoon stage only lasts for so
long. Every relationship I have been in, I always win. What
does that mean? It means that I am so stubborn that it is always
hard for others to fight me. I refuse to give up, I always argue
my point, and I have an excuse for everything. Over the years, I
have had a lot of my girlfriends have interventions with me to discuss
my stubborness and the walls that I build. Even last summer, two
of my best girl friends sat me down and handed it to me straight.
I know they are right and I can't truly argue. I jsut ask for
time. I make my baby steps to becoming a person who lets down her
walls. It is just sometimes so much easier to keep them up and
not allow anyone to walk through.
The problem with that mentallity is the weight of the world is on my
shoulders. I know I do it to myself but it is hard for me to
think any other way. I was brought up in a single family home
with my mother. I love her to death, but often times I was more
the mother in the relationship. She had a soft heart and I would
take any troubles in my life and keep them to myself because I never
wanted her to worry. Friends from my childhood came and go, and
with no siblings there was never anyone to really share with. The
dark moments during my youth were dealt with by myself. Nobody
could help me make it go away. So with 27 years of being
the rock and being the sole person responsible for me. It has
been hard to let people in. I wish that my wall was easier to
break through, but at the end of the day. I am insecure. I
am afraid to get hurt. I know that it is ridiculous and there is
no one out there to get me. It just isn't that easy for me.
Is that an excuse, no, just the truth. I sit here and analyze
myself - the good - the bad - and the ugly. I know the root, I
know the cause, I only hope I can resolve.
I will keep trying one step at a time. I am fighting to be a
better person. I am fighting to let some of the weight off.
Even the little that has been lifted is such a relief. Each day
is progress.
I love all the people in my life who have come to understand m and who
continue to push me to be a better person. You each mean so much
to me. I know the fact is that, if you didn't care you wouldn't
try. I would never have interventions, I would never have
breakdowns, and that would mean I would never know how much people in
this world care for me.
I have had 20 something years to build the walls, but I am slowly
breakiing them...but even the berlin wall didn't come down over
night. One piece at a time.
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| Wow....a new year....i haven't written a word on this xanga for a while
now... more than two months...it's funny, i have been home since
october but i feel like i have been home forever. i spent one
month chilling and catching up with everyone and by december 5th i had
started a new job. i have officially been working for 1.5 months
now. the new job is stressful, exciting, and fantastic. i
know most people think i am crazy for wanting a job that makes me work
and think all the time but that is what i thrive on. easy work is
boring. and i hate boring. what's the point of doing
something that makes your brain stagnant.
i have done a lot of learning in the last little while..in work and in
play. for work i have learned that i am not one who can just
settle at a job and just be happy. i have to keep pushing myself
because if i don't i will hate myself in the end. in play, i
realize that people are what make me happy. being with people
that i care about, hanging out, talking, and filtering those you want
in your life to remain.
for the first time in my life i am in a relationship that i give a shit
about...funny i guess. i have spent most of my life being the one
in control and worried about how that person makes me feel. it
has always been about me. i can always twist it to be more than
that but reality is i have been selfish in my past relationships.
it has taken me many years to self admit that fear of getting hurt has
made me be selfish...trust is hard. i have been told by many of
my friends in the past of my dire personality traits...but i always had
an excuse. funny thing though, when you really care about
someone, that selfishness fades away. maybe it is two fold
though...one that i am growing up and maturing and two i really have
learned to care about someone. i am not sure what it is but for
some reason that wall is faltering. and curiously i don't mind it
so much. i will always worry that i am going to get hurt but
sometimes if you don't try you fail regardless. i am a hopeless
romantic after all. :p
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| After being gone from toronto for two years. I have been
officially back for the last two weeks. Pretty crazy how
everything is the same but "right" at the same time. It has
been an exciting experience living in a different country by myself in
California and then in Chicago. Each experience a little
different but a learning lesson for me as I challenged
myself. I come back to the comforts of home where I have
the opportunity to see the people I care about on a daily basis.
To outsiders it seems that i am not living the jet setting life of
before but for me I like the simple things. I don't need to be
entertained 24/7. It is tiring. Just sitting around having
alone time in familiar surroundings is comforting. Knowing what
is around every street corner and discovering the neat new nuances of
Toronto is exciting for me.
I realize now that only you can make the most out of your life. I
know I can go anywhere and try anything. I will continue to do so
even though I have returned to Toronto. My travelling will
continue, discovering new cultures, meeting new people, and
experiencing life. Toronto may seem to be the easy way to some
but for me it is my home. It is somewhere I can enjoy the company
of old and new friends. It is where I have grown up and where I
would love to grow old. I still want to experience the different
corners of the world and do not negate the fact that I could go
somewhere internatonal to live for a couple of years. But in my
heart of hearts I know i will settle down in this place i call
home.
I have missed this city of mine. And two weeks later, I know that this feeling will never change.
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| As I get ready to move back to Toronto, I reflect on how much has changed and yet remained the same since I left. I know I have great friends who are always there for me regardless of where I am. I know that I have a family that supports me in every way. God has blessed me in ways that only he understands. I am surrounded by love. Being away from home, I have been tested. The test of survival without the immediate support of loved ones around me. The reality is that regardless of where they are, I know that they are still supporting me as I do them. Who can ask for more than that? The truest change that has happened has been my own self discovery. I realize that whatever curve ball that is thrown to me, I can catch it. I may not be able to deal with it at first but eventually I move on. I have only just started my journey in life. I know there is so much more waiting to be discovered in life, in love, and in the world. Off topic: Over the last little while, people have questioned some of relationships with certain people in my life. Taking chances is not limited to taking chances in life, but in others. I am often asked why I bother to be friends with these individuals. The reality is that, I am not judge nor jury in this world. I take chances with people, I am not perfect and they have taken a chance on me. Not everyone works the same way, that doesn’t mean they don’t deserve a chance. If they have done no wrong to me, why should I turn my back away. | | |
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